smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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