Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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