why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
