I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
