so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
