Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
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No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
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If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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