I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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