Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
