I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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