Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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