wakey wakey hands off snakey
grandma shit on top of the toilet
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
