Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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