Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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