I hate your face
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
foreskin is a definite game changer
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
