I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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