When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
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