Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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