Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
