the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
