I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
