Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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