if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
being pregnant is like rehab
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
