Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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