Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
