How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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