if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
