you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
All the doctor said was why
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
