I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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