Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You took a bar mat shot.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
