Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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