i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
