You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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