One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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