Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
