you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize