Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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