U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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