I'm lost and stupid without you.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
