Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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