ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
