i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Randomize
