i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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