I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
