you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
