TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
