There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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