No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
sarcasm needs its own font
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
