oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
