Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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