She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
