At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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