he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
