I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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