Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Floor bacon is actually really good
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
