My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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