The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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