Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
