Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
