All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
